So...since my last post not much has changed...except well the weather is slowly improving. I had a nice visit with my sister and nephew's the other night. As we watched Teen Mom2 all I could think about was how sad it is that those kids didn't have any guidance and I was going to give my nephews the love and guidance (and ass wooping if need be) to ensure they grow up to be good men. My sister is an amazing mom and I know she'll make sure the same thing but from an Aunty's perspective I hope they learn how to treat a girl like gold, to not lie to her, to not cheat on her no matter what. To know that although sex is great, it's something you should wait for and above all....be kind to yourself. By kind I mean, treat yourself well, mind body and soul. There's so many things from my childhood I wish I could change, I wish I had been tougher as a kid, I wish my grandma hadn't chosen to treat me poorly when I was young and going through the end of my family. I have more hurtful memories then positive ones. I wish I knew how to forgive people, especially myself. I think if I could forgive myself perhaps the rest would follow? Question is how do you start that? So much has been done to damage me, I do feel like damaged goods and am surprised that someone wants to love me. Although at times I feel like he's just as if not more damaged then I am and I feel at a loss with how to move forward. Unfortunately "crazy isn't for the middle class" like one of my favorite movies so dutifully points out so as much as I wish I could lay in bed and hope my sorrows melt away bills still need to be paid therefore my ever growing behind gets out of bed and makes it way to work.
What a concept work, to be paid to do what someone else doesn't want to...huh. Well while I ignore my work and write on here I wonder if I will ever feel fullfilled with my job. I have daily arguments with myself about my job. One min I'm grateful to have it, to have the money so I can live and do "some" of the things I want to do; in the next breath I'm cursing it and wishing I was doing something with meaning for my life. Itleast mothers have kids...going to work is for them who do I go to work for? I really am tired of always living for other people, at the end of the day I would like to do something that is just for me. I find myself everyday getting more and more annoyed with how much I've lost myself, I couldn't even tell you who I am, what I like to do....what is even desirable about me because it seems to me everything I thought I was is a joke. I allow people to walk all over me, to lie to me, to hand me a dream and then take it away in the same breath. For what you ask? all because I'm afraid of hurting them and myself. I'm afraid of what tomorrow will look like, I'm tired of always doing it on my own and feeling alone in the process. I feel very alone in this process....and yet I'm engaged. How does that make any sense?
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