So I haven't written in a LONG time it seems, I went away on vacation and have moutains of paperwork sitting on my desk that I'm trying to ignore. There's a whole lot of things I'm trying to ignore these days but they seem to creep up every now and again. The big one being the cancelation or rather postponment of my wedding. For reasons that will go unmentioned my fiance and I have decided to postpone our wedding which was a really hard pill to swallow. So was the loss of the money we had put down for a photographer and hall. This past weekend i had to go pick up my dress and although I didn't have trouble at the time getting it, there is a giant lump in my throat when I think about it. So instead of trying to cope with that I forget about it, I think well eventually it'll happen right (fooling myself into believing that might be true) I have an empty void not just from my postponment, other things as well. So I've ensued stuffing my face with candy and chips and really anything else that might be around to try and fill it. Alas...the only thing that has filled out is the muffin top over my jeans and my ever expanding thighs, making me feel worse.
Struggling to try and come to terms with relationship issues is so hard, I really don't know how people do it. I seem to be moving towards the philosophy that the only person one can truly rely on is one's self. How sad is that? The only person I can really count on in life is me? I've sure let myself down before so who the hell can I trust then? Yes i know I need to talk to someone about all this, counselling is also darn expensive, and I make a modest income if that with no wiggle room, absolutely none. Possibly a part-time job in my future no wiggle room, so with that I am at the mercy of my twisted and toxic thoughts. It feels very sad and foolish to be thinking the way I am, I have a home that I can come to every day, a nice bed to sleep in, a job that allows me to pay my bills. Althoug working to live seems redundant, but then again I figure there's probably few people out there who actually LOVE their jobs...and get paid accordingly to do it. Go back to school you say? Oh sure, I could do that and move in with my parents? HA HA HA.....my step dad and I are like oil and water.....or maybe we're more like 5w30 and 10w30.....made up of similar things but just shouldn't mix as it could/will cause problems (mostly for my poor mom who doesn't need that) Also going back to school requires some kind of money to pay for it and the government doesn't really want to give money to people who owe them already. ( again I've made some mistakes)
Today everything just feels weighed on my chest and mind and it's a constant battle to try and be better. By better I mean happier, better able to cope with the goings on in my life, become a better, daughter, sister, aunty, friend, significant other....just be better.
Failure is the word that comes to mind, I feel like I've failed myself, my self-esteem and the people I love. I wish I was stronger, able to really say hey this isn't ok. I deserve better, but no my toxic little brain decides to say...um well see this is what you get so suck it up and deal. Oooooh my thoughts can be such a giant BITCH. Then there's the advice (treat yourself like a good friend what would you say to her) I would tell her that it's all going to be ok, and to give it her all and see what happens. That it's only been a short while and time heals most hurts. BLAH..... blah I say. Then there's the advice of well maybe you feeling this way means something...means you should listen to your gut and follow through (oh if only I knew what it truly was saying) day by day, hell minute by minute my gut changes it's mind. Or it doesn't have an answer just a pang of guilt, and saddness.
I also feel like slapping myself and saying HEY GET OVER YOURSELF, enough is enough and no one wants to hear about how sad you are all the time. You will/are driving people away. I'm almost driving myself away to be honest which is maybe partially why I feel so lost all the time. If I were to think of when I was last truely happy I'd say when I was 10 yrs old, I wish I could go back to that time and just relish in it. Enjoy the freeing feeling of the worst thing I had to overcome was bullying (which was horrible) Here I sit re-read my post and it's a mish mash of things. So I shall post it and come what may! Have a wonderful Tuesday!!!!
Tuesday, 10 May 2011
Monday, 4 April 2011
BRCA2
So, today I read about a woman who was diagnosed with the BRCA1 gene in her family. It made me think of my family and my diagnoses. So rather then go into just the specifics I think I'll start with the beginning.
A few years ago my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer, I hate to say it but I was a horrible daughter back then. Although I wasn't scared, I knew she would pull through and I knew this was in my opinion a way to show HER that she needs to take better care of herself. See my mom is like my sister...very kind, considerate and giving. She ALWAYS....almost to a fault puts everyone else before herself and I was looking forward to her being able to be taken care of. Now I didn't do the best job of that, unfortunately I was going through some "crap" we'll say and it's hard to be the caregiver when you have little to give. I have guilt every day and will forever have guilt for the things I didn't do during that time. That being said...she pulled through with the brightest colors of the rainbow and is now looking at reconstruction options. After her treatments she was given the option of having genetic testing done because as shocking as it is there is a link between cancer and our heritage. (I KNOW I FOR ONE AM ASTOUNDED BY THIS INFORMATION *just a hint of sarcasm*) Although the type of cancer my mom had is usually linked with the BRCA1 gene (which apparently is linked to hormones ) she was given a positive test for BRCA2. She told me of this news and said that I now have a 50% chance of also having the gene and getting the testing done. I felt that it was the right step for me mostly in the fact that my grandma had breast cancer in both her breasts...my mom had it so my chances are probably pretty high to get it. If I have the gene I'll get extra testing and screening, doesn't that make sense? Catch it early...or be given the chance to remove the tissue that could catch it? Hell ya....I felt empowered and like information is power so I get to make the choice of weather I die or not from this disease.
Apparently not so much....I was diagnosed with the BRCA2 gene as well, and while I feel somewhat empowered. I also feel somewhat cheated, cheated out of that bliss of well I might get it but I'll worry about that when it comes.
HA HA HA...since I was a little girl I've worried...apparently at the age of 2 yrs old I was terrified my mother wouldn't come back from the store and I would follow her out to the street. I don't follow her anymore but I worry about everything and its a horrible thing. It's ruining my closest relationships (worry not the gene)
For some positives, I'm thankful I live in Canada and have "free" healthcare, so that I don't have to worry about where the money is going to come from for these tests. I'm thankful that I get the extra testing and not just the knowledge that I have the gene and we'll see what happens. I'm also thankful that two years ago I decided to get woman's cancer insurance through my bank and while not a whole lot of help it's something and something is ALWAYS better then nothing (itleast that's what I keep telling myself) While I don't think it's legal for insurance companies to not give you insurance or even ask if you have the genetic marker, I think it could be cause for them to charge you a higher premium. I'm really not sure but I'm glad I got it when I did. No extra charges and I'm covered a little more financially should I get cancer.
Now how am I feeling about the whole thing? At the moment it's really hard to say, I've got so many other things going on in my life but I do think it's putting more stress on me then need be. My own fault I know, having the marker doesn't really "mean" anything...doesn't mean I'll get cancer or that I won't. It just....kind of is...I mean like having blonde hair doesn't mean you'll have the perfect life. Nor does it mean you won't...it just means you have blonde hair. I go for my first mamogram and what not in May...so I'll find out more then I assume. Until next time friends!
A few years ago my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer, I hate to say it but I was a horrible daughter back then. Although I wasn't scared, I knew she would pull through and I knew this was in my opinion a way to show HER that she needs to take better care of herself. See my mom is like my sister...very kind, considerate and giving. She ALWAYS....almost to a fault puts everyone else before herself and I was looking forward to her being able to be taken care of. Now I didn't do the best job of that, unfortunately I was going through some "crap" we'll say and it's hard to be the caregiver when you have little to give. I have guilt every day and will forever have guilt for the things I didn't do during that time. That being said...she pulled through with the brightest colors of the rainbow and is now looking at reconstruction options. After her treatments she was given the option of having genetic testing done because as shocking as it is there is a link between cancer and our heritage. (I KNOW I FOR ONE AM ASTOUNDED BY THIS INFORMATION *just a hint of sarcasm*) Although the type of cancer my mom had is usually linked with the BRCA1 gene (which apparently is linked to hormones ) she was given a positive test for BRCA2. She told me of this news and said that I now have a 50% chance of also having the gene and getting the testing done. I felt that it was the right step for me mostly in the fact that my grandma had breast cancer in both her breasts...my mom had it so my chances are probably pretty high to get it. If I have the gene I'll get extra testing and screening, doesn't that make sense? Catch it early...or be given the chance to remove the tissue that could catch it? Hell ya....I felt empowered and like information is power so I get to make the choice of weather I die or not from this disease.
Apparently not so much....I was diagnosed with the BRCA2 gene as well, and while I feel somewhat empowered. I also feel somewhat cheated, cheated out of that bliss of well I might get it but I'll worry about that when it comes.
HA HA HA...since I was a little girl I've worried...apparently at the age of 2 yrs old I was terrified my mother wouldn't come back from the store and I would follow her out to the street. I don't follow her anymore but I worry about everything and its a horrible thing. It's ruining my closest relationships (worry not the gene)
For some positives, I'm thankful I live in Canada and have "free" healthcare, so that I don't have to worry about where the money is going to come from for these tests. I'm thankful that I get the extra testing and not just the knowledge that I have the gene and we'll see what happens. I'm also thankful that two years ago I decided to get woman's cancer insurance through my bank and while not a whole lot of help it's something and something is ALWAYS better then nothing (itleast that's what I keep telling myself) While I don't think it's legal for insurance companies to not give you insurance or even ask if you have the genetic marker, I think it could be cause for them to charge you a higher premium. I'm really not sure but I'm glad I got it when I did. No extra charges and I'm covered a little more financially should I get cancer.
Now how am I feeling about the whole thing? At the moment it's really hard to say, I've got so many other things going on in my life but I do think it's putting more stress on me then need be. My own fault I know, having the marker doesn't really "mean" anything...doesn't mean I'll get cancer or that I won't. It just....kind of is...I mean like having blonde hair doesn't mean you'll have the perfect life. Nor does it mean you won't...it just means you have blonde hair. I go for my first mamogram and what not in May...so I'll find out more then I assume. Until next time friends!
Tuesday, 29 March 2011
Envy & Forgiveness
So today I seemed to be filled with scores of envy, or rather jealousy. I think envy is a nice way of "you're jealous" which I am. I follow a blog by Kelle Hampton http://www.kellehampton.com/ called "Enjoying the Small things" which she talks about getting to enjoy being a stay at home mother of her two daughters, one with Downs Syndrome and another without. She's beautiful, thin...and seems to have enough money to really "Enjoy the Small things". I find myself reading and while laughing and enjoying what she says and her daily life with her family I also am GREEN with jealousy. I can't quite get my head around the "luck" of those around me and how I haven't acheived it. People in my life and outside of my life who get to have babies, and big houses, and go to school to acheive their dreams. To not work and still be afforded a life I only wish to have. There was a brief few months where I felt like the luckiest girl in the world I didn't have to worry about that dreadful thing "money" and I was happy. Those months faded quite quickly though and now I'm back to my old thought pattern of "how am I going to do this".
Now don't get me wrong I've had some luck in my life, I was blessed with a mother who didn't give up on me, and didn't let me give up on myself (though I did a few times). My mom and step-dad graciously agreed to buy into a home so I would no longer have the threat of rental increases each year. When I think about it though those are really the only "lucky" things in my life. I know the old sayings of be grateful for the things you have and all that jazz. Sure I have a roof over my head and food in the cubboards, and people who love me. What about the rest of it though, I would like to have the worry of life leave me for a little while. The constant though of "how am I going to pay for this" out of my brain....permanently. To be able to really trust that things will work out. How does one acheive that? Let me tell you my friends whenever I do let my guard down and trust that it will work out it NEVER does. NEVER....people always seem to be able to knock it down again and again. Every time a little piece of my soul goes with it. Why can't people just be honest? Tell me what's really going to happen don't tell me what I want to hear so I'll breathe a sigh of relief and succomb to the fake reality that has been afforded me. Because this is an on-going theme in my life I am forever having to "try" and forgive people. I'll let you in on a little secret I don't forgive people. EVER.....and most people don't know it. I think of past things in my life and experience little pangs of hurt each time I remember those moments. The only person it hurts is me. If someone out there can tell me a formula for forgiveness, it would be appreciated. To be able to let things go...let go of things I've done to mess up my life as well as things other people have done. Wow that would be awesome, but "sigh" no one seems to be able to tell me the answer. So here I am stuck...and hurt....and not trusting.
Now don't get me wrong I've had some luck in my life, I was blessed with a mother who didn't give up on me, and didn't let me give up on myself (though I did a few times). My mom and step-dad graciously agreed to buy into a home so I would no longer have the threat of rental increases each year. When I think about it though those are really the only "lucky" things in my life. I know the old sayings of be grateful for the things you have and all that jazz. Sure I have a roof over my head and food in the cubboards, and people who love me. What about the rest of it though, I would like to have the worry of life leave me for a little while. The constant though of "how am I going to pay for this" out of my brain....permanently. To be able to really trust that things will work out. How does one acheive that? Let me tell you my friends whenever I do let my guard down and trust that it will work out it NEVER does. NEVER....people always seem to be able to knock it down again and again. Every time a little piece of my soul goes with it. Why can't people just be honest? Tell me what's really going to happen don't tell me what I want to hear so I'll breathe a sigh of relief and succomb to the fake reality that has been afforded me. Because this is an on-going theme in my life I am forever having to "try" and forgive people. I'll let you in on a little secret I don't forgive people. EVER.....and most people don't know it. I think of past things in my life and experience little pangs of hurt each time I remember those moments. The only person it hurts is me. If someone out there can tell me a formula for forgiveness, it would be appreciated. To be able to let things go...let go of things I've done to mess up my life as well as things other people have done. Wow that would be awesome, but "sigh" no one seems to be able to tell me the answer. So here I am stuck...and hurt....and not trusting.
Sunday, 20 March 2011
Gone too Fast
So today I realized it is March 20th, and where has the time gone? This time last year I was planning on moving into my new home, I was learning a new job and enjoying my new friendship with my now fiance. However this year...I'm enjoying a new nephew, LOVING my home, but sad at the realization my roomate Jen is going home for the summer. I'm going to miss her so....Jen has taught me the true meaning of a woman's love. ( and not romantic you sicko's) I mean what it really means to be a friend. How important a true female friendship is in my life. How I wish I had 5 more friends who I could rely on, feel close to and know really KNOW, she loves me. I love her....I feel like she is one of those people who will never judge me, and will always tell me the truth. She knows all about my life and she will support me in my future. I'm scared that I will lose touch with her when she's fully gone. I vow to work my hardest to ensure that doesn't happen. I plan to drive to see her as often as I can. I know when I need her she'll be there, and when she needs me I will be there too. I can tell you there was a time I was so scared of her, I was scared because I didn't know her, I'm so perticular about my home but I learned very quickly she is even more so. She was accepting of my fiance and even though he basically lives with us has NEVER complained about him being here more then he's not. She has enhanced my life ten fold and I will never be able to tell her how much. I can try but words just can't express how I feel about her. I am truly blessed to have her as a part of my life and I hope she will always let me be a part of her! I love you dear Jen....and can't wait to make many more memories with you! Trust that I will always have time to spend with you!
Friday, 18 March 2011
I love my sister and her kids.....
So what can I say about my nephews other then they bring me more joy then anything I've ever experienced. I feel so lucky....so completely blessed to be their Aunt! I hope to be their Aunty...the one they just can't wait to see and the one they know they can rely on to protect, love, encourage and most importantly have fun and laugh with. This is brought on by the sheer excitment I'm finnally feeling....(I was on antibiotics and I think my fiance is right in saying they sure put you into a serious funk), I get to take Myles ( my 15 month old blonde hair blue eyed sweetness) swimming. I love that my sister trust me to take him in water....I will hold on so tight and probably be worried the WHOLE time, but gosh am I ever so excited! There's Jonah who's just brand new 3 months old and it's true when people tell you that you'll have the love. I was scared to my core that I wouldn't love Jonah like I did Myles, because I didn't want to play favorites and I was so worried I would. BOY was I relieved when just the opposite happened, I love him and his wonderfulness more and more every time I hold his little body. I love Myles's independance and Jonah's neediness.
I think one of the things I love the most is seeing my beautiful sister with her boys, I know she struggles some days but when she feeds Jonah and he's got his Milk drunk look and she kisses him....and how she plays with Myles and he LAUGHS....he has a special laugh that is just for Mommy...and no one else can make him laugh like she can! How her eyes light up when she sees them, and it's EVERY time...I can't wait to love like that. I've tried to capture this in pictures and will post some when I can but it's truly magical I can't post her love for them and I can't post their love for her! She's just amazing (and makes a mean oatmeal chocolate chip cookie FYI) So Tricia....I'm in awe of how you do it, you encourage, love and support your somewhat dysfunctional sister all while taking care of two precious boys and keeping house AND cooking amazing food. I just love you!
I think one of the things I love the most is seeing my beautiful sister with her boys, I know she struggles some days but when she feeds Jonah and he's got his Milk drunk look and she kisses him....and how she plays with Myles and he LAUGHS....he has a special laugh that is just for Mommy...and no one else can make him laugh like she can! How her eyes light up when she sees them, and it's EVERY time...I can't wait to love like that. I've tried to capture this in pictures and will post some when I can but it's truly magical I can't post her love for them and I can't post their love for her! She's just amazing (and makes a mean oatmeal chocolate chip cookie FYI) So Tricia....I'm in awe of how you do it, you encourage, love and support your somewhat dysfunctional sister all while taking care of two precious boys and keeping house AND cooking amazing food. I just love you!
Thursday, 10 March 2011
Hoping for a better tomorrow!
So...since my last post not much has changed...except well the weather is slowly improving. I had a nice visit with my sister and nephew's the other night. As we watched Teen Mom2 all I could think about was how sad it is that those kids didn't have any guidance and I was going to give my nephews the love and guidance (and ass wooping if need be) to ensure they grow up to be good men. My sister is an amazing mom and I know she'll make sure the same thing but from an Aunty's perspective I hope they learn how to treat a girl like gold, to not lie to her, to not cheat on her no matter what. To know that although sex is great, it's something you should wait for and above all....be kind to yourself. By kind I mean, treat yourself well, mind body and soul. There's so many things from my childhood I wish I could change, I wish I had been tougher as a kid, I wish my grandma hadn't chosen to treat me poorly when I was young and going through the end of my family. I have more hurtful memories then positive ones. I wish I knew how to forgive people, especially myself. I think if I could forgive myself perhaps the rest would follow? Question is how do you start that? So much has been done to damage me, I do feel like damaged goods and am surprised that someone wants to love me. Although at times I feel like he's just as if not more damaged then I am and I feel at a loss with how to move forward. Unfortunately "crazy isn't for the middle class" like one of my favorite movies so dutifully points out so as much as I wish I could lay in bed and hope my sorrows melt away bills still need to be paid therefore my ever growing behind gets out of bed and makes it way to work.
What a concept work, to be paid to do what someone else doesn't want to...huh. Well while I ignore my work and write on here I wonder if I will ever feel fullfilled with my job. I have daily arguments with myself about my job. One min I'm grateful to have it, to have the money so I can live and do "some" of the things I want to do; in the next breath I'm cursing it and wishing I was doing something with meaning for my life. Itleast mothers have kids...going to work is for them who do I go to work for? I really am tired of always living for other people, at the end of the day I would like to do something that is just for me. I find myself everyday getting more and more annoyed with how much I've lost myself, I couldn't even tell you who I am, what I like to do....what is even desirable about me because it seems to me everything I thought I was is a joke. I allow people to walk all over me, to lie to me, to hand me a dream and then take it away in the same breath. For what you ask? all because I'm afraid of hurting them and myself. I'm afraid of what tomorrow will look like, I'm tired of always doing it on my own and feeling alone in the process. I feel very alone in this process....and yet I'm engaged. How does that make any sense?
What a concept work, to be paid to do what someone else doesn't want to...huh. Well while I ignore my work and write on here I wonder if I will ever feel fullfilled with my job. I have daily arguments with myself about my job. One min I'm grateful to have it, to have the money so I can live and do "some" of the things I want to do; in the next breath I'm cursing it and wishing I was doing something with meaning for my life. Itleast mothers have kids...going to work is for them who do I go to work for? I really am tired of always living for other people, at the end of the day I would like to do something that is just for me. I find myself everyday getting more and more annoyed with how much I've lost myself, I couldn't even tell you who I am, what I like to do....what is even desirable about me because it seems to me everything I thought I was is a joke. I allow people to walk all over me, to lie to me, to hand me a dream and then take it away in the same breath. For what you ask? all because I'm afraid of hurting them and myself. I'm afraid of what tomorrow will look like, I'm tired of always doing it on my own and feeling alone in the process. I feel very alone in this process....and yet I'm engaged. How does that make any sense?
Monday, 7 March 2011
Nothing Like today
Have you ever looked back on a day and wondered what it was for? I've had many of those days. More lately. Seems like each day turns into another and another with no real sense of accomplishment. I hope for a day where I feel fullfilled and accomplished. Living in a relationship where yet again I feel like I have to make concessions and sacrifices all because of fear. How do you hurt someone? How do you hurt yourself? Since I can remember I've been hurt and hurt myself along the way. People keep telling me they wished I would see myself as they see me. How do they really see me? What is the truth? Is it all just fluff to "make" mee feel better about myself or is it the truth? I tell people stories sometimes, so why wouldn't they do the same. It's not like I can suddenly start always telling the truth it's how society is. So how can you trust when someone is telling you the truth? Ever? I mean if you think about it really how many times a day do you lie? When you're late, when you forgot to do something or when someone needs to hear something positive even when you know that it's not something true. I find that to be quite sad.
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