So I haven't written in a LONG time it seems, I went away on vacation and have moutains of paperwork sitting on my desk that I'm trying to ignore. There's a whole lot of things I'm trying to ignore these days but they seem to creep up every now and again. The big one being the cancelation or rather postponment of my wedding. For reasons that will go unmentioned my fiance and I have decided to postpone our wedding which was a really hard pill to swallow. So was the loss of the money we had put down for a photographer and hall. This past weekend i had to go pick up my dress and although I didn't have trouble at the time getting it, there is a giant lump in my throat when I think about it. So instead of trying to cope with that I forget about it, I think well eventually it'll happen right (fooling myself into believing that might be true) I have an empty void not just from my postponment, other things as well. So I've ensued stuffing my face with candy and chips and really anything else that might be around to try and fill it. Alas...the only thing that has filled out is the muffin top over my jeans and my ever expanding thighs, making me feel worse.
Struggling to try and come to terms with relationship issues is so hard, I really don't know how people do it. I seem to be moving towards the philosophy that the only person one can truly rely on is one's self. How sad is that? The only person I can really count on in life is me? I've sure let myself down before so who the hell can I trust then? Yes i know I need to talk to someone about all this, counselling is also darn expensive, and I make a modest income if that with no wiggle room, absolutely none. Possibly a part-time job in my future no wiggle room, so with that I am at the mercy of my twisted and toxic thoughts. It feels very sad and foolish to be thinking the way I am, I have a home that I can come to every day, a nice bed to sleep in, a job that allows me to pay my bills. Althoug working to live seems redundant, but then again I figure there's probably few people out there who actually LOVE their jobs...and get paid accordingly to do it. Go back to school you say? Oh sure, I could do that and move in with my parents? HA HA HA.....my step dad and I are like oil and water.....or maybe we're more like 5w30 and 10w30.....made up of similar things but just shouldn't mix as it could/will cause problems (mostly for my poor mom who doesn't need that) Also going back to school requires some kind of money to pay for it and the government doesn't really want to give money to people who owe them already. ( again I've made some mistakes)
Today everything just feels weighed on my chest and mind and it's a constant battle to try and be better. By better I mean happier, better able to cope with the goings on in my life, become a better, daughter, sister, aunty, friend, significant other....just be better.
Failure is the word that comes to mind, I feel like I've failed myself, my self-esteem and the people I love. I wish I was stronger, able to really say hey this isn't ok. I deserve better, but no my toxic little brain decides to say...um well see this is what you get so suck it up and deal. Oooooh my thoughts can be such a giant BITCH. Then there's the advice (treat yourself like a good friend what would you say to her) I would tell her that it's all going to be ok, and to give it her all and see what happens. That it's only been a short while and time heals most hurts. BLAH..... blah I say. Then there's the advice of well maybe you feeling this way means something...means you should listen to your gut and follow through (oh if only I knew what it truly was saying) day by day, hell minute by minute my gut changes it's mind. Or it doesn't have an answer just a pang of guilt, and saddness.
I also feel like slapping myself and saying HEY GET OVER YOURSELF, enough is enough and no one wants to hear about how sad you are all the time. You will/are driving people away. I'm almost driving myself away to be honest which is maybe partially why I feel so lost all the time. If I were to think of when I was last truely happy I'd say when I was 10 yrs old, I wish I could go back to that time and just relish in it. Enjoy the freeing feeling of the worst thing I had to overcome was bullying (which was horrible) Here I sit re-read my post and it's a mish mash of things. So I shall post it and come what may! Have a wonderful Tuesday!!!!
