Envy & Forgiveness

So today I seemed to be filled with scores of envy, or rather jealousy. I think envy is a nice way of "you're jealous" which I am. I follow a blog by Kelle Hampton http://www.kellehampton.com/ called "Enjoying the Small things" which she talks about getting to enjoy being a stay at home mother of her two daughters, one with Downs Syndrome and another without. She's beautiful, thin...and seems to have enough money to really "Enjoy the Small things". I find myself reading and while laughing and enjoying what she says and her daily life with her family I also am GREEN with jealousy. I can't quite get my head around the "luck" of those around me and how I haven't acheived it.  People in my life and outside of my life who get to have babies, and big houses, and go to school to acheive their dreams. To not work and still be afforded a life I only wish to have. There was a brief few months where I felt like the luckiest girl in the world I didn't have to worry about that dreadful thing "money" and I was happy. Those months faded quite quickly though and now I'm back to my old thought pattern of "how am I going to do this".

Now don't get me wrong I've had some luck in my life, I was blessed with a mother who didn't give up on me, and didn't let me give up on myself (though I did a few times). My mom and step-dad graciously agreed to buy into a home so I would no longer have the threat of rental increases each year. When I think about it though those are really the only "lucky" things in my life. I know the old sayings of be grateful for the things you have and all that jazz. Sure I have a roof over my head and food in the cubboards, and people who love me. What about the rest of it though, I would like to have the worry of life leave me for a little while. The constant though of "how am I going to pay for this" out of my brain....permanently. To be able to really trust that things will work out. How does one acheive that? Let me tell you my friends whenever I do let my guard down and trust that it will work out it NEVER does. NEVER....people always seem to be able to knock it down again and again. Every time a little piece of my soul goes with it. Why can't people just be honest? Tell me what's really going to happen don't tell me what I want to hear so I'll breathe a sigh of relief and succomb to the fake reality that has been afforded me. Because this is an on-going theme in my life I am forever having to "try" and forgive people. I'll let you in on a little secret I don't forgive people. EVER.....and most people don't know it. I think of past things in my life and experience little pangs of hurt each time I remember those moments. The only person it hurts is me. If someone out there can tell me a formula for forgiveness, it would be appreciated. To be able to let things go...let go of things I've done to mess up my life as well as things other people have done. Wow that would be awesome, but "sigh" no one seems to be able to tell me the answer. So here I am stuck...and hurt....and not trusting.