Just for today...

Just for today is a saying that is becoming quite mainstream, although it wasn't always that way. It used to be a phrase only used by alcoholics and then addicts of all kinds.

I try and remember those words daily, just for today I will be present, I will be nice, I will be good. I've always enjoyed helping people, talking to people and giving insight into what I think is going on in their lives. I wish with all aspects of my soul that I could be an addictions counselor or just a counselor period. To really get to listen to people and somehow help them see that there is better or that they are worth it. I'm hoping that I can do that here. Or try to anyway in my own way.

Anyone who is close with me, and by close I mean family a few friends and people I feel I can confide in wholy and deeply know that I (while am ashamed to admit it) addiction is something that is a part of my life. Not so much anymore, but almost 8 years ago now it was my life. I lived it; for 4-5 months (the timing is a wee bit off for me). I hurt my family and the friends I had, I endangered the life of my baby cousin and well daily endangered my own life. Why the sudden topic you ask, well I have been as of late watching a lot of the show intervention. Not the best show for people in active addiction or even people in recovery to watch. I feel it's a very useful tool for me, brings me back to a time where my days revolved around "having fun" then it turned not so fun....it almost turned very very ugly I guess it did in it's own way. I've only ever really told some people how far it REALLY went.

It started out just being at a party, with a bunch of men most of whom were gay but men none the less. I remember feeling like I just wanted them to like me...to keep me around and  buying alcohol for them was one way. Then when one suggested we get some cocaine I thought sure what harm is that I've seen people do that no big deal. I got the money and so it went. However what stupid little me didn't realize was that it wasn't cocaine....well it was but a much scarier kind. Crack cocaine is lethal, instantly it grabs a hold of you and doesn't let go for anything. Sure it's fun for a while....and you wonder why doesn't every body do this? All the time it's just so amazing....UNTIL....there's always an until.....it's fun until you're picking small pieces of lint off the carpet and putting your ear up to the door hearing voices. Walking your dog down the street and to a hotel so no one takes him, going to board a plane to somewhere just to no one takes him. Until you call a massage parlor thinking it's an easy way to pay off some debt, or sell all of your boyfriends possessions for next to nothing. Sign up for a dating site so men can take you out.....It's a dark dark path, one so full of shame and sorrow and disgust. it's lower then scum of the earth how awful it is.....how much pain you cause yourself and the people around you.

Everyone says it's made you who you are...made you stronger....I don't agree. It made me see the truth.....

until next time